On Being Single, Disabled, and Okay

I find it very strange that people worry about me being single more than everything else! So maybe this post is dedicated to that lot :)

Around the time my health started going south, I was single and almost 30. I remember thinking:

Holy cow. Does this mean no boys… ever?!

My romantic life started in my teens, and it came in bursts. I’ve experienced it all as somebody’s girlfriend at different points in life — long, slow and steady relationships, intense flash-in-the-pan ones, and a few completely nonsensical ones. The wow’s and the lows. Heartaches. Heartbreaks. Long distance. Cheating. And enough drama to last a while.

But I also had equal long spells of being single. Especially those after breakups where I wanted nothing to do with boys. And honestly, those phases taught me that I can actually quite enjoy my own company. I was happy to go to restaurants and movies alone. I travelled solo. I was comfortable attending weddings and being around couples. I don't remember feeling envy or a desperate craving for relationships.

Growing up with English Hugh Grant rom-coms (oh they were so good!), I came to believe in divine timing. That the right person shows up exactly when they're meant to. Love feels organic to me. Serendipitous. Love catches you by surprise. The best stories are usually the ones that catch you by surprise.

At least, that’s what I believed.

Then along came Tinder! And suddenly, there were options. CHOICE.

Now what do I do? Hold on to my old school beliefs? Or challenge myself to be bold and shape my story?

But I am living with a condition that

a) is likely to progressively worsen,

b) makes me feel far less physically attractive than before, and c) strongly discourages me from setting myself up for the pain of heartbreak!

And yet, I caught myself.

Hadn’t I spent years learning self-worth and openness? This fear and guardedness seemed to go against everything I believed in and wanted to practice.

But then another thought crossed my mind:

Do I really need a lover?

What if I become the love I seek? What if my life becomes so full of experiences, meaning, friendships, and joy that the absence of a romantic relationship doesn’t feel like a void at all?

Can the joy we often expect from one person also be found in life itself?

What I’ve realised is that there are things I genuinely love about being single. Freedom. Time. The joy of living on my own terms. My moods. My pace. My choices. My little rituals and comforts. Because the truth is, no matter how compatible two people are, relationships always ask us to give up a little space.

Perhaps I’ve simply become deeply comfortable with my own company. Maybe my universe revolves a little too much around me now. But maybe… I like it that way. At least for now.

That said, I’m still open to love. Very much so. I’d honestly love to be proven wrong.

Until then: Heads, I win. Tails, I don’t lose.

And if you have thoughts or perspectives to share with me, I’m listening :)

If you’re curious to know how it all started — the girl I was before, and how this path unfolded — you can visit my About page.